living dead man

12/15/24 - 6:06pm
i cant even say im staying for asher because all i do is hurt him too and i make it worse ansd i ruin his life. he was happier before he met me but i fucked it up and im rude and im mean and i make jhim sinecurue and imr rining himmm ii ufcking ruineervuything i touch i hate myself ive never felt like anything worse athan i have now i feel like the insnide of my body is filled with venom iam, vile and sick and digusting i am so gross i want to strangukaet my self with a cord i want someone to rape and kill me not because i like that shit but becase i deserve the painnn iii wanntn to take a sledgehammert to my head
have you ever heard of the academ,y maniacs >>>>???? theyre russian serual killers i wish they had killed me. i wish amny srerial killer ahd killed me with a hammer
ive had an obsession with being bludgeoned to death and shotgun suicide. i look at suicide gore videos all the time now. i look at vids like 3 guys one ham,mer and just wish it voi;dbe been me
i watch gore just to imagine its someone killing me. ow aman be like sol pais or shuaiby or mcnutt i wanna die like that. i want my throat slit i want to be beaten i want to be burnt. kill me. i invite you to.

12/15/24 - 5:58pm
i feel like a fucking idiot and like everything ive ever done is futile and i want to die but i dont have the courage to and i want to ask for help but i hate vunerabilities now and
and its been so long since ive let anyone know anything is wrong and im practically yelling my plans to take my own life to people and no one cares but when someone does i vrush them off and i i i i i i i i i wwwant a brealk from living and im disgusting and filthy and i feel like a cockroach and i am beneath everyone and i am retarded and stupid and the world would be better off without me in it. everyone would be better off without me taking up space in the world. everyone wants me to stay and they dont even realize how much easier their lives would nget without me making everything WORSE! im gonna build a bomb and blow myself up im gonna livestream my death a la mcnutt style im going to kill my family and slit my own throat i wanna watch my mom walk in on my final moments as i hang from the ceiling i want to dissapear and leave a burning trail behind i wanna be worshipped online like a damn legend but
but i want everyone to be happy i want the flowers to grow i want my family to smile i want my friends to find success and i want it all to come without me taking up space

my mom calls me abusive and mean and an asshole i just want to die. i want to die. if youre reading this i want to DIE. i just want som,eone to know i want someone to beg me to stay i want someone to care but i want to pusht hem away i w aant
i want someone to tell i love you nefpre i die i want them to get scared and save me i
i hasve so much in my head i wanna be lobotimzed i just want it all to stop i want and i want and i want but im so hollow

10/11/24 - 7:39pm
how do you come to terms with the fact that you're a shitty partner?
i mean, i try my hardest to be a good boyfriend. but i've also always dealt with the complications of having what i assume is bpd, (i've done my research, im not some attention seeking twat) which isn't an excuse but like.. last night i ended up splitting on him hard.
i got angry and called him a retard, told him to shut up, etc etc.. a few hours later, the incredible lows hit, and i cut myself a bunch, took half my painkillers for my migraines, and cried like a baby in his dms. what makes it worse is what he had to say to me today, now that i'm not actively loosing my shit. he told me:
"i dont know how to help you"
"i hate it when you do that"
"you have this weird issue with controlling your feelings"
and stuff about how i'm always hurting him and just feeling sorry for myself. i don't know how to be better, how to magically fix every single issue in my head.
my mom can't afford, nor would really want to send me to a psychatrist, i'm a fucking mess... i just hate myself right now. i hate that i can't be a good person, that i'm likely an abusive partner, and probably a bad friend.. and the worst part is: all i have is just to feel sorry for myself. i'm a sorry mess... won't somebody just kill me so i don't have to do it myself :(
i keep thinking about that specific phrase. "i dont know how to help you." it brings back scary memories.. the two partners i had that i feel like i was actually really in LOVE with, left me cause i had too much shit going on mentally. well not really the other person who shall not be named because dear god i mention him enough on here, but wera for sure. i really loved them, but because i had too much depression and issues in my head, they left me to fend on my own..
i hate feeling vunerable because im so scared of being thrown away by the people i love.. every single time i get too open with my mental health, i end up abandoned.. i dont want to have to force someone to try and fix me, even if all i want is to be loved and understood.
i learned a valuable lesson today: keep my issues to myself

9/17/24 - 12:09am
i feel like im getting worse again
im a bad person, i know im a bad person, people reassure me im not because im nice to them,because ive never hurt them, im kind im funny im compassionate etc etc
but at the same time i never tell people about all the bad things ive done and all the people ive hurt and all the stupid shit i do for almost seemingly no reason at all.. anyway ive been spending time with arlene again which is always fun because i feel like hes the only person who gets me on a level no one else ever really has
hes one of the few people i think i can be my true honest self around, like my ACTUAL self not personality for friend group a or toned down version for friend group b but just.. me. it's nice to have a person like that in your life. everyone needs a friend like that
its a little funny half my entries are about him any hows . like all the shit i said below i was just splitting and angry and it was a huge misunderstanding that was worked out in like five minutes
but MAN do i feel like im getting worse. i cant wait for sleeve season because id really like to relapse soon because none of my other coping mechanisms really work the same

7/24/24 - 10:35pm
everything sucks!!! summer is almost over, exactly 19 days before the first day of highschool, which has been burdening me HARD. it doesn't help that my school situation is incredibly flimsy at the moment, with the whole school situation involving me going to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCHOOL for the first two weeks. are you kidding me???
this is exactly how i ended up being the odd one out in middle school, with me getting to my current school late. when i finally DO manage to enroll at edward white, i wont even fit in! UGH!!!! by week two, all the friendgroups are established and they've already worked out who's popular and who's not and who sucks and who's gonna be orbited around like flies to a rotting corpse.
i've never fit in anywhere, too weird for the "normal" kids, too normal for the "weird" kids. i've just felt so angry all the time, like it's so easy to get me all worked up and irritated now... i had a whole meltdown, crying and loosing my mind in andre's dms, which is kind of embarrasing but he gave me words of comfort i have to keep to heart. i appreciate him.
i wanna be nicer to my boyfriend. i dont mean to be so angry with him.. i dont have an excuse either.. ughhhhhhhhhh someone please kill me ASAP now now now

7/18/24 - 2:28 am
i hate the feelings that come with opening up to people. that way people who don't understand how you feel, never will understand how you feel, try to act sympathetic ONLY because they feel bad for you
don't take pity on me. maybe i'm just angry when i realize how despite the fact im filled with people who care.. i still feel lonely?
i feel hollow. i hate pretending everything is ok, but even more i hate feeling vunerable, i hate depending on others .. i feel guilt when i open up, "you have it worse, my problems look like nothing, have i done enough for you though?" mainly im just scared of pushing people away.

EMO FAG RANTS AHEAD